Reconcilation Part 1

FORGIVENESS IS ONE THING; RECONCILIATION IS ANOTHER

Here is part two of what I shared with you yesterday. This was written by my good friend, Pastor Steve Cornell, who will be speaking at America's KESWICK in 2009!!!

Reconciliation:

Differing from forgiveness, reconciliation is a process that is conditioned on the attitude and actions of the offender. Its aim is restoration of a broken relationship-which is often a process. Those who commit significant and repeated offenses must be willing to recognize that reconciliation is a process. In many cases, even if the offender confessed his wrong to the one he hurt, and appealed for forgiveness, the offended person could justifiably say, "I forgive you, but it might take some time for me to regain trust and restore our relationship." The evidence of genuine forgiveness is freedom from a vindictive or vengeful response (see: Romans 12:17-21).

But such forgiveness does not always automatically grant the same level of relationship back-especially when trust has been deeply betrayed.
Even when God forgives our sins, He does not promise to remove all consequences created by our actions. Being forgiven, restored, and trusted again is a great experience. Yet it is important for those who hurt others to understand that their attitude and actions will affect the process of rebuilding trust. Words alone are not enough.

When someone has been significantly hurt, and feels hesitant about restoration with her offender, it is right and wise to look for changes in the offender before allowing reconciliation to begin. This is especially true when the offense has been repeated. Reconciliation requires us to offer a repentant person an opportunity to demonstrate repentance and to regain trust. However, when a person has consistently behaved in a harmful and irresponsible manner, he must accept the fact that reconciliation will be a slow and difficult process. Three main considerations affect the timing of the process of restoration:

1. The attitude of the offender

2. The depth of the betrayal or violation

3. The pattern of the offense (e.g. often repeated offenses)

When an offended party works toward reconciliation, the first and most important step is the confirmation of genuine repentance on the part of the offender (Luke 17:3). A disingenuous and unrepentant offender will resent your desire to confirm the genuineness of his confession and repentance. He may resort to lines of manipulation. "I guess you can't find it in yourself to be forgiving." "You just want to rub it in my face." "I guess I should expect that you want your revenge." "Some Christian you are, I thought Christians believed in love and compassion."

These lines reveal an unrepentant attitude. Don't be manipulated into avoiding the step of confirming the authenticity of your offender's confession and repentance. Carefully and prayerfully use the seven signs of true repentance listed below. It is advisable (in difficult cases) to seek the help of a wise counselor (only one who understands the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation).

You must be as certain as you can of your offender's repentance-especially in cases involving repeated offences. It is hard to genuinely restore a broken relationship when the offender is unclear about his confession and repentance. Even God will not grant forgiveness to one who is insincere about his confession and repentance.
The person who is unwilling to forsake his sin will not find forgiveness with God (Proverbs 28:13).

Of course, only God can read hearts- we must evaluate actions. Jesus said, "By their fruit you will recognize them" (Matthew 7:16a). We must not allow superficial appearances of repentance to control our responses. Displays of tears or appearing to be sorry must not become substitutes for clear changes in attitude and behavior. Carefully consider the seven signs of genuine repentance:

Great Quote: Our love for God is tested by the question of whether we seek Him or His gifts. Ralph W. Sockman